


It Will Always Be Him.

by StarPopsy



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2018-06-10
Packaged: 2019-05-20 13:45:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14895713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarPopsy/pseuds/StarPopsy
Summary: Cal comes over to the lunch table to ask Simon out but Simon says no but it inspires Blue to reveal who he is...





	It Will Always Be Him.

**Author's Note:**

> Is mention of a panic attack

It had been a weird couple of weeks. I had come back from Savannah looking forward to the year ahead. I had finally managed to come out to my parents and more recently Garrett. I hadn't manage to see anyone or get online as I had only come home the day before school began and it was late by the time I got to the house. 

It seemed like a normal day, I had gotten dressed and drove to school. It was only when I saw Garrett and his expression that I knew something big had happened while I'd been away. He came over and after exchanging greetings to each other asked me if I had heard. "Heard What?" I was intrigued, Garrett seemed frustrated. "Simon got outed by someone over the break, he was apparently exchanging emails with another gay kid who went by the name of Blue at school and someone had got a copy of these emails and posted them on the tumblr page". I stopped dead. I had been emailing someone and signing off with Blue. It was my emails that had been posted. Shit. That also meant that Jacques was Simon. It's not like I hadn't guessed that from the way he would write in his emails, but it seemed more real now that he had been given confirmation.But how had someone got our emails? How had he not told me that someone had got them? Why had he kept this from me when he knew it was a big deal? "Bram?" I heard him saying as I was trying to focus his thoughts. "Yeah?" "This is good though isn't it? I mean you can finally ask him out?" Garrett knew that I had a crush on Simon. He was the person he mentioned when I admitted there was someone I liked at school. I nodded and made my way into the school. 

We were at our lockers when I saw him for the first time. He was with Abby and Leah who was making sure no one was giving him shit as he walked through school. You could tell he was nervous. Garrett slammed his locker shut making me jump and walked over to Leah. I had to smile slightly because whenever Leah was around Garrett was like a puppy. I shut my locker and followed Garrett. He was talking to them as nothing had happened. This is what I liked about Garrett. He knew that people would make a big deal about Simon being gay so he was trying to keep everything normal. I smiled at them as I approached. The bell had rung so we all dispersed and went to our classes. I was itching to get home. I had to check my email but I didn't want to do in school especially with everything that had just happened. 

I walked over to the table we would normally sit at. Garrett was sat next to Leah who was sat next to Simon who was on the end. I took a seat next to Nick, who had his arm around Abby's shoulders and Abby was cuddling into him. I had missed a lot when I was away. The table was full of chatter as usual. "Hey Simon" I looked up and standing at the end of the table was Cal. He had striking blue eyes and had the bang thing going for him. I can see why people would like him. "Hey Cal" "So I was wondering if I could talk to privately for a minute?" Simon looked at Abby who seemed to have a knowing look on her face. "Sure, see you guys". And with that Simon walked off with Cal. 

Abby looked around to make sure he was gone. "I think Cal is going to ask Simon out". A pang of jealously hit me. Shit. What if he says yes? What would that mean for him and Blue? I tuned back into the conversation. "... I doubt he will say yes even he does" Leah was saying. Abby was looking at Leah questionably "why not? I've seen them in rehearsal, I thought there was something there." Okay, maybe I didn't want to hear this. I could see Garrett looking at me but I was ignoring him. "Yeah. No Abby. I'm judging by these emails that Si has something with Blue and if I know Si like I think I do, he won't just agree to a date with Cal. At least not until he finds out who it is. Or he gets his heart broken by Blue, and even then I don't think he would." Abby was in thought "That's a bit cynical isn't it Burke" Garrett asked her. She shrugged her shoulders. "She's right though. Simon's not like that" Nick added. I couldn't help but be a bit relieved. These were his best friends and they knew him best. So hopefully even if Cal did ask him out he wasn't just going to give Blue up. I sighed in relief. 

I pulled out my phone and was replying to a text my dad had sent me so I hadn't noticed that Simon was sitting back at the table. "Well? What did he want?" you could tell Abby was dying to find out the gossip. She wasn't one to spread things around, but she liked to know. Especially things like this. She was just a big romantic at heart. "He asked to hang out after the play" Simon looked confused. I thought he would of. I was jealous because Cal had did something I was to chicken shit to do. I should be the one asking him out not Cal. I had to tell him. But here was not the place to do it. Abby was practically vibrating in her seat, she couldn't keep still. "And? What did you say?" Simon shook his head. "Si! Why not?" he didn't say anything and wouldn't look at her. She reached her hand over to his "Because of Blue" he looked up when he heard say 'Blue'. He nodded. "Oh Si. you really like him don't you?" I was staring at Simon but he didn't seem to notice. The bell had rang and we were all getting ready to go to our class but I notice him nod his head at Abby, who put her arm round him. 

So he did like Blue. I needed to tell him. But the fear in me was so overwhelming I could barely move. I had so many what if's running around my head that I couldn't process them. What if he didn't like me? What if he wanted to be someone else. What if? I was trying to focus on something else but I could barely catch my breathe. I don't know where he had materialised from, because I thought he had left for class, but Simon was there making me sit down. "Are you okay?" I looked at him and nodded while trying to steady my breathing. He handed me some water which I took a sip of when I calmed down. I looked up and my eyes locked with his. His beautiful moon-grey eyes that I could get lost in forever. "Are you sure your okay?" I think this was the first conversation I had ever had with Simon, even though we'd been sitting at a lunch table together for years we weren't really close. It was probably to do with the fact that I would freeze up around him. I swallowed "Yeah I'm fine. It happens sometimes" "We've got Algebra, shall we go or do you want to sit for a bit longer?" His eyes were full of concern. I took a deep breath and stood up. "No I'm good. Let's go". We walked to Algebra together. The second bell rang just as I took my seat. 

As I was leaving to go to soccer practice I caught up with Simon "Thank you for earlier. I was meant to say it but I forgot when we got to Algebra". He smiled. It was his smile that he did when something little would make him happy. Not that I knew his different smiles. I wasn't that far gone. Or was I? "No problem" and he went off to his rehersal. Garrett came over. "I'm pretty sure that was the first conversation you've ever had" he was grinning like an idiot. "Shut up Garrett" and we made our way to soccer practice. 

We were doing drills on the pitch when I noticed Simon and Abby standing at the sides. Luckily for me, Coach had just gave us 5 minutes break. If Simon was watching us practice I knew my game was going to be seriously off. Nick walked towards them and signalled us to join him. 

Nick was flirting with Abby as usual and Garrett was tying his shoe laces. I looked at Simon. Something had happened because he looked destroyed. I could sense that he was trying not to cry. "Simon? Are you okay?" I asked tentatively. He looked up. His eyes were shining and even though his eyes were beautiful in this moment I wanted to know what was up. "Oh yeah. Just something of nothing. Was bound to get someone say something to me at some point". Someone had said something because he was gay. I sighed. "People suck" he smiled slightly at me and I felt my heart flutter. "I gotta go.." and he ran off. 

"Abby? What happened?" she turned to me as she saw Simon round the corner. She began to tear up. "Some guys came into play rehearsal and started being dicks about Simon being gay..." I didn't hear the rest. I didn't even think about it, all I knew was that I had to make sure he was okay. I was running to where I saw Simon last. Just as I saw him, I saw Martin catch up to him.I stopped. I have never seen Simon look so angry. Simon was shouting at Martin and Martin was flinching. "Sorry just isn't going to cut it Martin. Now just fuck off and leave me alone". Martin retreated back into the building as Simon got into his car. 

I ran over to his car and gently knocked on his car window. He turned towards the sound and I could see his face was tear stained. All I wanted to do was wipe them off for him. I heard the door unlock so I opened it and sat down. "I thought you could do with someone to talk to. It's been a rough day for you and you helped me earlier. Plus, talking to someone your not exactly close to can sometimes help" Simon turned to me "Thanks, although I don't really know where to start. I don't know how I'm feeling. I've got so much to figure out". "You'll figure it out, just focus on one thing at a time. People are always going to be dicks, but you have your friend's around you and we're not going anywhere" "You know Bram, I think that's the most I've heard you say and it is definitely the first time I've heard you cuss" I laughed. I saw Abby, Nick and Garrett walking towards us. I opened the car door as I knew Abby would want to sit where I was "Simon" I said looking directly in his eyes "don't give up on Blue just yet, he's probably just scared". And with that I got out the car and went to Garrett. He cocked his eyebrow up as if it to say well? I shot him a look as if you to say not now. "Before I got a chance to go after him, you had already rounded the corner Bram! I figured you'd be with him so I got your bag while I waited for these two" she passed me my bag. "Thanks Abby, he's pretty upset. I didn't really know what to say so I hope I didn't make it worse for him. Garrett are you coming over?" He would know I would want to talk to him. "Yeah, see you guys later. Say bye to Spier for me". 

We walked over to my car in silence. I unlocked the door and collapsed into my seat. Garrett was facing me. He was waiting for an answer. I couldn't help but feel a bit proud. I had spoken to him. Instead of freezing up and letting him go. I actually ran after to him to make sure he was okay. "Not here Garrett, let's go back to mine". I put on Elliott Smith to listen to as we drove back to my house. The second my bedroom door had shut Garrett bombarded me with questions. I sat on my bed and just let him ask away. "So? Are you going to answer anything?". "Well, you gave me so many I don't know where to start" I was smiling. "Greenfeld! I swear! Right, why were you both late to Algebra?" The feelings of fear I had came back. Except this time, they were more manageable. I knew the people I cared about the most wouldn't care and as much as I was nervous to tell Simon, I was ready for him to know.

I felt a pen hit me. "Hey! No need for pen throwing" I threw it back to him. "As I was getting my stuff my brain went into overload. I started thinking about telling him and I had this blanket of fear wash over me. I couldn't move and I couldn't breathe. The next thing I knew, Simon was making me sit down and he gave me water while I calmed down and when I had calmed down we walked to Algebra together". Garrett looked at me with concern. "Are you okay now though?" I nodded. "Yeah strangely I am. I think talking to him helped. It might sound strange but I was scared to talk to him because we don't really speak. I think I needed to do it" Garrett nodded like he understood what I meant "You ran after him. When Abby told you what had happened, you bolted after him. I mean I have never seen you run that fast". "I didn't think I just did. I didn't want him to think he was alone. But the look on his face made me go after him because I could tell how much he was hurting. I'm glad I did though. I didn't tell him I was Blue. I just spoke to him as me. But I am going to tell him".

Garrett left not long after our conversation and I did my homework. I was desperate to email Simon but I knew he was normally on a bit later than I was so I held off. My mom came home from work and we had dinner and at 9pm I was in bed with my gmail open ready to put my heart on the line. I took a deep breathe as I typed. 

Simon,

I hope your okay. I also hope that you have a packet of Oreo's next to you and are eating them. If you haven't, you are to stop reading this email and go and get some. After today you deserve them. 

Firstly, I want to tell you how brave I think you are. I saw you today and even though you could of shrunk away and not come into school you still did. I know that must not of been easy. I'm so proud that you came in and instead of trying to hide you were, you embraced who you are. Something I want to do. I'm fed up of hiding who I am. Especially to you. 

Secondly, I'm going to tell who I am. I'm ready for us to take the next step together. And if you are happy that it's me, I want us to be together. Especially, as I have heard from the rumour mill that Cal asked you out today and you said no. I hope you said no for me. Even if that is selfish, I don't care. I'm not going to hide the fact that I want you. 

Lastly, I'm so glad it's you. I really am. I had a crush on you for years and I can't believe that it turned out to be you that I've been falling in love with over these emails. 

I'm not going to tell you over email who I am, I promise I will tell you face to face. Friday after your play I will meet you by your car. 

See you tomorrow in school. 

Love,

Blue. 

I fell asleep with a smile on my face. 

Over the next few days Simon and me started to get closer. We started talking more. I was sat next to him at lunch and I could tell that the others on the table were confused especially as me and Simon never sat together and barely even spoke. But no one said anything. He evened offered me Oreo's which apparently is something Simon never does. Any time I was with Garrett alone he would ask me questions but I was refusing to answer them. I wanted to keep things to myself for a while. 

I walked into English on Friday knowing I wouldn't see Simon until lunch because he was doing play performances for the freshman and seniors. Garrett and Nick kept asking me things but I couldn't concentrate. I was thinking about when I was finally going to see Simon later. The minutes felt like hours. 

The bell rung for lunch and I made my way to our table. I had not long been sat down when I saw Simon, arms linked with Abby, I'm sure my mouth hit the floor. He looked hot. He was wearing stage make up, but the eyeliner, Fuck the eyeliner, made is eyes pop. It was hard to not stare at him. He sat next to me. "How hot does Simon look?" Abby asked the table and as Simon blushed. Even Leah was agreeing. Nick shrugged and carried on eating, Garrett on the other hand "Yeah Spier you look hot!". He smirked at me as I shook my head at him. Everyone fell into different conversations, so I took the chance to talk about the play with him. "Are you nervous?" he shook his head "To be honest, I'm more nervous about meeting Blue - "Your meeting Blue?" Abby interrupted. "Guy from the emails Blue? The guy you've been falling in love with but won't admit it, Blue?" Simon nodded. I couldn't believe he had just admitted he was falling love with me. I was struggling to keep the smile off my face. Abby was still ranting about why he hadn't told her. When Simon didn't respond she changed conversations after warning him that the conversation wasn't over. I couldn't help but laugh. He sighed. "Sometimes I wish I hadn't said anything" he said to me.

Abby and Simon had to leave earlier than us because they had to get to the dressing rooms. As Simon reached for his bag under the table, I turned to him "Garrett's right. You do look seriously hot in eyeliner" I barely whispered in his ear. I heard him take a shaky breath as he straightened up. I turned back towards the others, but I couldn't help noticing the blush on his cheeks and the smile that he was trying to hide. As he walked out, he turned and looked back at me. I caught his eye and smiled. 

We took our seats in the auditorium and Garrett was trying to question me but shut up when Nick and Leah sat in the seats next to him. All through the performance I couldn't keep still. I was jittery and nervous but also excited. "I don't know what's up with you Greenfeld, but you need to calm down. Your making me nervous watching you". I tried to keep still then. Then the play had finished. The lights had come up and people began to file out. I stood outside with Garrett, Leah and Nick. "We're going WaHo after this if your up for it?" Nick asked me and Garrett. "Yeah i'm up for it" Garrett had responded. They looked to me for an answer. "Sorry guys, I can't today. There's somewhere I need to be." I looked at the time and realised that I needed to go. Simon would be out soon and I wanted to be at his car when he got there. "See you guys" I turned to walk out "You not going to tell me where your going that's so important that you can't make it to Waho?" Garrett shouted slightly. I shook my head "No" and walked out to the parking lot.

I took a deep breathe and saw his car. It was not far from mine. I leaned against the back of his car. I couldn't face watching the doors I didn't want to see his face if it was full of disappointment. I turned round when I heard footsteps. "Hey". Simon was shocked, he opened his mouth like he was trying to say something but no sound was coming out. I noticed that he was smiling which made me release the breath I hadn't realised I had been holding. "Bram? Your... Your Blue?" I nodded. He stepped closer to me. "Are you disappointed it's me?" I asked him. I had to know. "Not in the slightest. I'm so glad it is." He looked me in the eye. Electricity ran through me. He leaned against the car next to me and our hands were almost touching. "Shall we sit in the car?" Simon asked me. I agreed and we got in.

His car was only slightly messy. A few bottles and packets littered the floor. He handed me his I pod for me to choose a song. I knew straight away I was going to put on Elliott Smith. Simon smiled as the familiar song played. We turned to face each other. I laced my fingers through his. "You were amazing in the play, I couldn't keep my eyes off you and it wasn't just the eyeliner" winking him. He blushed. "Thanks for telling me that right before the play, I struggled to concentrate". I couldn't help but laugh at him. I wanted to kiss him and judging by the look he was giving me, he felt the same. I lent in and could see him doing the same, but just before our lips touched we heard cheering. We sprang apart and looked out the window to see our friends staring at us, clapping and cheering. We looked at each other and Simon shook his head. 

They came over, and as much as I love them, they seriously had ruined our moment. "You two have some explaining to do" Abby was saying "I'm so happy it's you, Bram!" she opened the door and before I knew it she had her arms round me. I looked at Simon and squeezed his hand. "Not that I don't love you guys, but why are you here?" Simon asked them. "We were coming to see if you were coming to WaHo. Abby said you left as soon as you were changed and wouldn't tell her where you were going" Leah was saying as Garrett put his arms over her shoulders. Leah blushed slightly and lent back a fraction on to him. I could tell that Garrett was beside himself. "How about this" Garrett started saying "Why don't we all go to WaHo. You guys can explain what's going on and then you can have your alone time when Simon drops you off to pick your car up?". We looked at each other and nodded. "Okay why not". 

We split to different cars. Garrett and Leah were in with Simon and me and Nick and Abby went in Abby's car. As Simon started the car, I put my hand on his leg, which stayed there the whole journey. Now I was able to touch him, I was never going to stop and I didn't care how creepy that sounded. We pulled into a space at WaHo and got out to join Abby and Nick who had already got a table. 

The second we sat down the onslaught of questions began from Abby and Garrett. Nick and Leah just looked on with amused looks on the faces. Simon reached for my hand under the table. I pulled his hand to my lips and kissed it. Simon blushed and I let our hands fall back to his knee. We told them everything. How I had put the Tumblr post up and how Simon responded. About how we started emailing. I told them about how his courage after he got outed had made me realise that I wanted him to know it was me. How he made me go from a nervous, pathetic mess to someone who could finally be themselves. The conversation then turned to about why Simon was outed and I have never felt anger like it. Simon explained how he had signed in to his email at school one day and had forgotten to log out. Martin had found them and tried to blackmail Simon into helping him get with Abby. Then only reason Simon agreed was because he was trying to protect me. He knew that I wasn't ready and he was so scared that I would stop talking to him if I found out that he didn't tell me. He told nobody. Martin had apparently asked Abby out and she said no and because he didn't get what he wanted he outed Simon. 

It took a while for it too all sink in. Especially the blackmail part. Abby happened to see Martin and she went over to him. The next minute she's screaming at him and slappinh him extremely hard across his face. She walked back over to us with her head held high. Martin slithered out the door. I was ready to leave our friends. I wanted a bit of time for us and I wanted to ask him to be my boyfriend before I went home. 

We said our goodbyes and got back into Simon's car. Simon drove us back to the school car park which was now empty except for my car. He parked next to it and turned the engine off. "I meant everything I said in the last email. Especially the part about wanting to be together. Simon? Will you be my boyfriend?" "I would love that". This time when we leaned in we managed to kiss. Fireworks exploded through my body. His lips were heavenly and I knew that there was never going to be anyone else, it was always Simon.

It will always be him.


End file.
